One of the hardest things for me about this whole thing is that basically everyone in my life keeps saying, “But this isn’t you! This isn’t how you respond to obstacles!”
When B was out here visiting, something was going on with her phone. We couldn’t figure it out in the first few go-arounds.
She was ready to give up, but I took the phone and said, “We’re figuring this out. I do not give up.”
She looked at me kind of intensely and was like, “Yeah. Remember that.” (‘Cause we had recently talked about BMI.)
Also, one of my great friends (who sent me a picture of Hillary Clinton for Valentine’s Day, basically saying, “I don’t know many more things that you could love more than this”) asked me, “What would Hillary Clinton do about this?! She would never give up!”
And I know that everyone has wonderful intentions when they talk to me. (And in some ways they might be right.) I also know that I’m really surprised with myself as well.
I just don’t know what to say about it.
I don’t know how to change it at this point…
[Edited to add: Holy goodness. I am reading this about a year and a half later, and I am remembering how exceptionally distraught I was. And it did, of course, have something to do with class not going well (and not getting to perform in a fun song, and all that)… But this? This stuff we’re reading… it’s written by a girl who has lost so much hope.
If you look at the dates of these posts, they are the dates in between the times I was assaulted by that sexual assault guy. There was a giant shift in me between, “Oh, things aren’t going so well for me,” and “I am without hope.” And the shift, I think, was being assaulted. That was giant. More giant than some song. (And if affected how I interacted with people – including that collaborator.)
I’m reading this post and I’m like, “this is weird. This doesn’t totally sound like me.” And it’s like, “Oh right. Because I was assaulted.” And I think there was a small part of me that really thought that maybe if I wrote this posts and people could see how utterly distraught I was, maybe somehow somebody would get it. Maybe somebody could see that this is affecting me deeper than normal. I know I always care about doing well. But I was a broken human being when these were being written.
And I think to some extent this was my cry for help. And how would anyone have known that? I could’ve been upset about BMI itself. I do care about things and write with passion. Maybe no one else saw the difference. And maybe you don’t even now. But reading it now – seeing these posts, remembering how broken I was, it makes me so much sadder, having that layer of dehumanizing emptiness embedded in these feelings in these posts. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming:]
I have had redemption stories. No one in high school thought I was gonna be the female lead in the musical, then I was (and I got my own musical). And I did it with a plan. I asked my teacher what I needed to do to get cast more. She told me to take every single opportunity already available to me. I needed to perform in scene nights and cabaret and all that jazz.
If I was performing in every single thing that was open to anyone, it would show her that I needed even more opportunity. So, I did exactly that – performed in every one. And then she gave me all the opportunity in the world.
It was possible to make that happen because I had total autonomy. I decided what to perform. Often I did solos. I practiced them myself and put them on myself. I didn’t have to worry about anybody else (for the most part… I mean, someone obviously did always run lights and sound… And I did certainly do some scenes and songs with other people, but anyway)…
I loved feeling in control. (Control of my dreams and what I wanted and making my goals happen.)
It was the same with becoming 1st chair saxophone of the highest band as an underclassman – I just practiced all the time in a practice room, alone.
Same with Music Production and Engineering at Berklee. It actually wasn’t going amazingly at first. Then I got sick. Then I had all this extra time. And I certainly had studio musicians and everything. There were other people involved. But I was ultimately in charge of my project. If someone didn’t work out, someone else could lay down a part. If I didn’t like something, I cut it.
I had final say and decision making ability. My success ultimately rode on me. And then I did exceptionally well with all that hospital time on my hands.
BMI is the first thing I can think of in my life where something is really riding on it, and it involves other people so heavily – and so equally.
I do like to collaborate (I don’t aaaaalways have to be in charge ;))… and I love people… I know it maybe doesn’t quite sound like that from this post haha… But I mean it! I like collaborating. I appreciate the value of other people. But the way it worked for me in BMI is different, so please read on tomorrow?