Picking up from yesterday –
But ultimately, I was way too distracted. I’m sure I wasn’t super fun to hang out with during any of the social meetings I was trying to force on myself. I wasn’t totally present at my charity events (though I was as present as I could be).
And then I reached a day where I couldn’t push through anymore. It’s hard to know what to share and what not to share. But basically, I interacted with sexual assault guy again, and it was a mess that made me feel even worse, and I suppose slightly distraught – as I imagined continuing to seeing him everywhere would. (- which you freaking do in NY – Heck, I have 100% accidentally run into two different friends from high school …and a fair amount of other people too… It’s kinda ridiculous that in some ways, I guess New York is like a tiny town).
Anyway, I kind of got in my head, got a little scared of nothing (mainly of seeing him everywhere, after everything he did), and kind of allowed someone else’s existence to dictate mine (which is embarrassing.. and I’d be shocked if my role models such as Hillary Clinton would do that, which makes it double embarrassing that I did (because I want to be as strong and cool as the people I look up to! Though, let’s get real. Nobody’s Hillary. Anyway…)).
I quit that improv class in favor of being able to travel on Fridays… That was weird for me – the day I decided escaping New York became apparently more important to me than trying to rebuild my life here.
My life was just a freaking mess, and I wanted so badly to leave it all the time. So, I did.
I was still distracted (even more so, after dealing with him yet again). And even in California, I still cried a fair amount. But for some reason, it seemed safer to do it from 3,000 miles away.
Anyway… I have no idea what I’m doing. But New York has been reeeeally tough – even though it has given me 1,000 wonderful things.
And if I’d expect Hillary Clinton to plant her feet and take up her space, even if she felt intimidated or sad, there’s no reason I shouldn’t do the same thing.
I. Live. Here. Now.
[Edited to add: This is sort of “funny,” I guess, but after this post, I went back to California, and even lived there full-time again. But then, as of October 2018, I came back… For… real? I guess time will tell. I mean, look at this post! I made a promise to New York. So, I should keep it… If I can…]
I promise, even if it’s hard… I promise to love you again, New York. Pinky swear.
[To see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]