[I think it’s possible I got the main gist across yesterday, and this may just be overkill. But I dunno, I’m leaving it up for posterity, if it’s helpful in any way to any one.]
Picking up from yesterday –
I can easily guess how things would go down if he found out I were an editor on The Daily Show, it would become about how I’m on the show without Emmy nominations. So, if I got on Last Week Tonight, it’d be about how I’m “just” an editor, instead of a writer. If I became a writer, it’d be about how I don’t have a show of my own. If I had a show, it’d be about how I don’t have an Emmy. And on and on and on and on with every single thing in my life.
There is nothing I can do or say to avoid constant ridicule – and I don’t just mean the cute fun little teasing of friends, I mean, putting me down, making me feel like there’s no escape, and that I’m so completely worthless, ridicule. I literally cannot be good enough, or “whatever” enough.
It. is. impossible.
Lastly, I think it was confusing that he kept trying to tell me a million things I wasn’t. If I said I was uncomfortable around him, he’d be like, “What?! That’s crazy. You’re actually uncomfortable about this or this.” And that’s one example of many – always explaining my emotions to me instead of ever trying to listen, or care about what they were. When you’re reality is constantly being altered or questioned, I feel like it really does make you question reality!
(Who am I even, right?)
I thought I had at least a semi-strong sense of self before being with him. But he was able to just destroy it that quickly? That doesn’t feel right, or like me (I thought).
I’m reading this great book called – Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That – Encouragement For Women Involved With Angry And Controlling Men.
One of the things it talks about is how “a destructive man’s behavior has a way of creeping inside your head, so that you start to do his unhealthy work for him… Start noticing if the voice in your head is actually his voice, not yours… One critical step toward freedom is to stop enslaving yourself…”
It basically goes on to say that you are learning his behaviors and doing them for him – therefore you are abusing yourself. If you wouldn’t want to stand for his abuse, why would you stand for doing it to yourself?
Anyway, I’m just rambling at this point… But one of the things that I’m finding in my last little stuck rocks in my way of moving forward is that I have this overwhelming feeling of “Why even bother?”
“Why even bother starting to volunteer again?” “Why even bother to make something cool?” “Why even bother doing anything?” because at the end of the day, I’m just gonna be told why actually that’s “totally not worth it,” or I’m “doing it all wrong,” or “for the wrong reasons,” or “actually I’m a terrible person” etc. etc.
He’s like a little ear worm that has made me feel so worthless – so beyond redemption (even though there’s nothing I should really need “redemption” for) – that it’s literally sometimes like, “Well, why even bother?”
[This is part of the sexual assault series.]