If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
It just felt like, “Well, even if it’s awkward, even if one of us gets hurt or whatever, we can be cordial. We won’t have to work directly together. So, it won’t be so terrible…”
(Little did I realize how small a class of 30ish people really could feel… Or how many small events would happen. Or how many he would plan or host. Or how there actually was a mode worse than people getting a “little hurt” or things being a “little awkward.”
Of course, in imagining scenarios, I thought he might be a jerk, but I never imagine this happening. I never imagined being assaulted and getting PTSD, and some physical injuries, and some mental issues that manifested physically (such as literally vomiting the next time I happened to see his face after the assault happened).)
Of course, looking back on it now, I think I was just justifying things to myself… I’ve heard the various adages about not getting involved anywhere close with people you work or go to school with. I guess there’s a reason there’s a saying (even if it sounds kinda gross, tbh) “don’t dip your pen in the company ink.”
But then I also thought about someone, whom I kinda dated and worked with (years ago)… The gig was shorter term, so there wasn’t necessarily as much to lose.
But! It was one of the best shows I worked on in my California life. It was a great job. We could’ve gotten a million more seasons. It wasn’t a throwaway job, and it wasn’t a sleepaway camp where everybody was like “what happens here stays here” away from our “real lives.”
It wasn’t guaranteed to be a short-term gig. [I mean, it got cancelled, and it was a shorter-term gig haha. But we didn’t know for sure if it would be.] Anyway, at the time, that show was real life with real possibilities. And I still chose to go out with that guy…
And, when wondering whether to get involved with BMI guy, I thought about the nearly year-long relationship I had with him and how wonderfully fun it was – the ways my world opened up being with him (in ways it might not have otherwise), and the really fun, interesting, unique experiences we had. And I thought, “What if I’m missing out on another opportunity like that?”
I also thought, “Let’s get real. If I never get involved in any way with anyone I work or go to school with, I’m never gonna sleep with anyone again!” [Not true. That’s so not true. The person I was so so so (so) in love with (before we had to break it off when I moved to NYC) – I met him as a fluke, out and about in Los Angeles (totally outside of both school and work).
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!