Picking up from yesterday –
He told me that he just kept proceeding because he thought the “only reason I was saying no” was because I was actually just trying to help him stay on task – but that, to him, in that moment, he didn’t need that help. He wanted to have sex more than he cared about the consequences of not getting his work done.
So, his idea there being that if he didn’t need the “help” I was trying to give, then he didn’t need to respect that no (because it was only in place to help him, so he can just ignore it – that my no became invalid because of the reasons behind it (if that makes sense)).
And that’s when a lightbulb went off in my brain – this idea that it was completely okay to ignore me saying “No” and “Stop” over and over and over and over and over, because it wasn’t a “justifiable” no.
He wasn’t taking my no as a reason to respect my agency. (There’s that crazy fancy word again that I never really used before him, blegh.)
He was saying, “Well, if it’s only no becauuuuuuuse blah blah blah, then it’s not a no” – it’s like it’s going through this system in his head. I imagine a flow chart. I feel like if it starts with “Does she want to have sex?” it should say – if you follow the box that says “No” – that all options first start with “Then stop touching her.”
And then the options can proceed as to what’s next. It’s 100% fine with me if he asks me, “What’s going on?” or, “Are you only saying this for me? ‘Cause if you’re truly only saying this for me, I’m really okay with it. I’ve really gotten enough work done. But I want to understand if I’m hearing and understanding you correctly.”
When I’d been saying “no, no, no” over and over it was indeed because I was thinking of him… I’d promised him something (that I wouldn’t get him get distracted), and I wanted to follow through on that promise.
After we stopped for one sec (as I’d asked for a bajillion times with all my nos), he updated me that he’d accomplished a lot, and was legitimately was about to take a (needed) break anyway. And after we got on the same page, we did have sex again.
But that’s the point. Talk to me. Listen to me. Don’t make assumptions about why I’m saying no, or decide my answers aren’t good enough, or aren’t valid. (Does that make sense?)
I honestly believe he thinks he is a “good guy.” I reeeeeally think he thinks that.
And I think that he sees himself as one of the heroes in that article. He sees that he’s not the bad guy in an alley with a knife. So, he’s a good guy – the hero of his story! And because he believes he’s “respectful” to women, I think he would try to play the role of “respectful” guy.
I would bet you money that if he asked a girl to do something not in the “general norm” or whatever – if he asked her to use restraints or do something not everybody does, and she said no (not me saying no, some other hypothetical girl, ’cause I don’t care about his restraints either way haha), that he wouldn’t push, that he wouldn’t just tie them on.
I think instead, he’d be like, “Oh, that’s a justifiable no, because I’m asking her to go outside the understood initial comfort zone of society.”
But if I (Aurora) don’t want to have sex in my bed, well, that’s a no to just ‘push past.’ Because a “good guy” “fixes” a girl. If a girl is not the normal archetype, he helps her become that… (Or, at least that’s my best guess to potentially at least something going on in there…)
And I just – I’m sorry because this story was so long. And I know I ramble sometimes. But hearing the sentence from him that he ignored me saying both “no” and “stop” over, and over, and over again just because he “thought I was only saying no because….”- and that my no wasn’t a justifiable reason to him, so he plowed forward, overpowering me while taking off my robe, and overpowering me while pushing me on the bed (until he finally changed his thinking just milliseconds before entering me)…
Just hearing, ‘I kept going’ since “I thought you were only saying no because…” it just really opened my eyes to the idea of what some men think consent looks like… even the “good guys.”
[I dunno if that makes any sense at all, but here’s hoping!]
[To see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]