If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
…And if I’m worried about his voice specifically as the ghost on my shoulder trying to normalize what he did – he would always try to normalize what he did. It doesn’t matter what I write or say or do. He would always argue that he’s super respectful toward women. (I lived through that conversation a billion times, no matter which way I went about it.)
And I can’t be having that argument with a freaking ‘ghost’! (Why would you argue with a piece of your own brain being taken up by this dude?)
And even if I did argue with that ghost (’cause I have!), I have to know that that ghost is gonna argue the same thing no matter what (even if I were to never watch, nor ever write, nor ever enjoy anything again)… His manipulative thing always stays what it is… I can’t change my behavior and my brain to accommodate a stubborn ghost! (I really shouldn’t be arguing with him in the first place, tbh.)
Basically, the definitions of things don’t have to change. I don’t have to jump, or have an internal gasp, at the words “miscommunication,” “man,” “dating,” “sex,” “sleep,” “breakfast,” “spending the night,” etcetera for many other words/phrases/ideas – all that.
I’m not constantly defending myself anymore. (Or, at least, I shouldn’t be.) I’m not always talking about what happened to me. Sometimes I’m just living outside of all that… I can just have a conversation about those normal things, (…period). I had put a comma there, like I needed to say something else, or add a qualifier. But I don’t think I need one? I can just have a conversation about normal things.
I sorta only just realized at the end of this post how silly all this sounds. Because that all seems pretty clear, right? Like it could be one of those this-goes-without-saying things that I’m still allowed to write and laugh and live, and that doesn’t have to do with someone harmful no longer in my life… I suppose maybe I just needed to be reminded. So, thanks for coming on the ride to help me try to figure that out.
[This is part of the sexual assault series]