If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
So… okay. You’re a friend who wants to help. And if you can’t tell the person to put their foot down, what do you do? You obviously care. You don’t want your friend to be in an abusive relationship. So you’re like, “change it! Get out! Do this! Do that!” …Because you want to help.
It’s not coming from a place of maliciousness.
…I’ve read a few books now about abusive relationships. And some of the advice that I’ve seen is that if you’re sort of almost commanding her, “leave that man,” then it’s easy for you to almost sound like him… You’re not being abusive or anything. You’re not him. But, as far as how it makes the abused woman feel – it’s another person trying to order her around. So, maybe don’t do that.
I don’t really know the answers for how to get your friend out of an abusive relationship. But I do know that having friends get angry with you for “not being the strong, smart woman they know you are,” and “allowing this to happen to you” when you got in over your head and don’t know what to do – it doesn’t feel exceptionally helpful.
I know (or at least believe) it comes from a place of love. And I try to accept it as such. But I was doing enough yelling at myself. And he was definitely doing enough yelling at me. So, I didn’t need another chorus of yellers.
There’s a chapter toward the end of Lundy Bancroft’s, “Why Does He Do That?” that helps explain this better than I can – how to be a good support person if you have a friend in an abusive relationship. So, I guess go read that, maybe? [Seriously, it is a good book.]
In conclusion, whatever tactics you take… shifting the blame to telling the woman that she’s responsible for her treatment because she hasn’t “tamed him,” or “put her foot down,” or whatever enough seems like not the best take. (And it’s one I hear I surprising amount.)
[This is part of the sexual assault series.]