If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
I can re-create some. I can be present going forward. I can work on strengthening relationships I do still have. I can try to write a lot more now, and on and on. There are things I can do going forward, but picking up every piece that was lost is impossible.
And that’s a really hard thing to deal with. And I don’t know how to get rid of the feeling of being perpetually behind.
Not everything is linear. And not everything takes specifically a certain amount of time. There are some things in life where one little moment – one job interview, one little something makes a giant shift in your world.
So, maybe if I just keep trying to move forward as best as humanly possible, there will come a day where something giant happens, and it will feel like my life is in a good place (or that place I want, or whatever) no matter what weird wind-y way I took to get there.
But that day is not today. And being behind sucks. And having lost parts of my life sucks. And I can probably generally get most of those parts back – they just might not be in the exact way they were, or the way I originally imagined. I dunno. I guess I don’t have some amazing concluding statement.
I just – the game of catch up is sometimes exciting (e.g. “look at all I’m getting done!). It can feel like forward movement.
And then sometimes it just hits me that it literally can’t all be done. I can do a lot for my future. But I can’t time travel to my past.
[For more from the sexual assault series, you can go here.]