Okay, well, since we’re catching up on all things 2018/2019, since I was gone, let’s get into some stuff I drafted during BMI! So here it was as I wrote it at the time (and more posts coming after this!)
[Music Notes] I have way, way, way tooooooo much! [/End Music Notes]
You can’t hear that song because it’s a song I made up for myself, but let me tell you, it sure is one that runs through my head a lot!
Because I have waaaaaaaaay too much emotionally riding on this.
[*Starts to jam out, singing so very loudly*] “I have way too much emotionally riding on this!”
So, in case I haven’t made it clear [*just speaks calmly instead of singing*], I have way too much emotionally riding on this.
There’s too much, y’all!
So, here’s the thing. Obviously, I care oh. so. much. about the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop. Perhaps some would even say too much.
As you may know, if you’ve been reading this blog, I applied for six years in a row. I moved to New York on a whim. Even aside from everything that happened, I’ve wanted to make it into third year so. freaking. badly.
And THEN all that stuff happened. [Basically: I deferred, and started [in earnest] 2 years(!) later than I was supposed to, because of sexual assault guy.]
It already felt like there was a lot riding on it all. But now, it just kinda feels like there’s SO MUCH RIDING ON IT ALL.
Because – I know I’m spinning out, but just let a girl go here – it almost feels like this is my last chance at “justice.”
Like, he dealt with zero consequences for what he did. And I dealt with a lot.
But he did not get accepted to third year. It wasn’t a consequence of his actions. He just didn’t make the cut.
But I could.
The police might not have cared. I may have taken the hit school-wise, in having to wait. Our classmates may have forgotten my existence. But he is done with his BMI journey, whereas I still have the possibility of making it!
And since I didn’t really get any “justice,” it feels like this could be justice in its own special little way – that if we’re looking at it from this nice little [so-not-objective, but I don’t care] narrative of like, “This [hopefully talented?] girl got in to her dream program, and had to defer, but she came BACK, and she MADE THE CUT, and the villain [not a super nice or nuanced word, but we’re in broad strokes narrative here] was never to be heard from again.”
And when you already imagine how much was riding on this, just by the mere fact of applying for so many years, and uprooting my whole life – adding this last piece… Well, as my little song [that sadly, you can’t hear] goes, “I have way too much emotionally riding on this! I have way, way, way tooooooooo much. Way too much emotionally riding on this. I have waaaaaaaaay too much.”
[For more posts on my experience with the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop, you can go here.]