[I’ve been having a lot of kind of ups and downs around this graduating time. Many days feel really good, but some feel really not good. And I dunno. This is one of the ones that feels not so good. So, you can skip this melancholy one if you want, but it didn’t feel authentic to try to skip all the bad and only post good. I dunno!]
(Obv that’s true about these new crazy pictures from space where we’re seeing the past. But also, just in my own life.)
So, as you may know, a couple of weeks ago, I got back to LA from grad school.
And I feel… basically exactly like I did at the top of the pandemic.
At the very top of the pandemic, I had just ended one job, and was just about to start another one… when the show was shelved because of pandemic screwing with the production schedule.
So, I wasn’t working. I wasn’t back to school yet. And things I could do were greatly affected, because I couldn’t really go anywhere (for the most part).
Weirdly, I actually feel more concerned about Covid now than at the top of the pandemic.
At the top of the pandemic, I was pretty good about precautions, but I went and gave blood the first day of lockdown, since it was still an “essential” activity that was allowed.
And while I mainly stayed home, I liked to go out for things we were ‘allowed’ to do – outdoor walks, and the like.
And generally people weren’t going out nearly as much, and so many things were shut down, it felt a little safer.
It’s so funny how surreal it was when the pandemic first started, and I saw no traffic outside my apartment which was wild, since there’s always traffic outside my apartment.
And now I got so used to that, it’s weird that traffic is back!
And the virus is so much more transmissible in this current strain. (And we’re learning about how it affects things long-term. That’s my biggest fear right there – Long Covid, or other diseases.)
So… here am I, back at it again. No job. No school. Trying to avoid outside as much as possible. Putting around, looking for what to do next.
Tbh, it was kind of novel the first time around. (I mean no disrespect to healthcare workers or people who had a very traumatic first few months of the pandemic to be like ‘oh it was so novel!’)
But in my experience, I was writing more songs, and trying to keep creative and encourage friends. I caught up with people I hadn’t talked to in a while, since everyone had time for zoom back then.
I organized parts of my room I’d been ‘meaning to get around to’, since I was always home and had the time.
I actually didn’t mind the first 6 months, give or take.
But it feels a lot less novel now. Not many people are quarantining anymore (even though the new variant is just rampaging through the world!).
And I have/had a lot of dreams. Taking off a handful of weeks from things (when I was still doing much of what I loved on zoom), when the whole world was doing that, didn’t seem like that big of a deal.
But now it being 2 1/2 years later feels really… I dunno… overwhelming?
And I can still take some dance classes on zoom. I can still work out at home. And many of my dreams in life have to do with dance and working out. So, that’s the main thing. Being home doesn’t affect editing much, but it does affect spontaneity, and dance, and doing an Ironman someday, etc.
Anyway, I’m not really saying anything… it’s just surreal because it’s like “here I am… 2 1/2 years ago.” But it feels different. I gotta find ways to keep that hope up… And to get back in to shape. I have fluctuated a lot in the pandemic, and I stated in the birthday goals, I’m ready to be the hottest I’ve ever been!
Anyway, we’ll see what happens, but it’s just – it’s all surreal. Time has felt like it’s moved in a weirder, stagnant, backwards way for me more in this pandemic than in any other time in my life.