[Disclaimer: Before I get into this, can I just state that I’m sorry to bring up my assault again… It’s something that’s been really hard to deal with… And I feel like I’m really dealing with it more than ever lately (for a variety of reasons too hard to talk about). Just as I talked about some of the other humongous hurdles in my life (e.g. open-heart surgery) at length, I have a feeling we might do that with this as well… We might not. I don’t know. I feel weird about it… So, sorry. I guess it just is what it is?…]
Anyway, picking up from yesterday –
I’m arguing that New York didn’t do anything to me. And that’s true! It’s not New York’s fault that I was assaulted here… (Ugh, I just hate that word. It sounds so victim-y and serious, and I just don’t know what to say…)
Anyway, while it’s not intrinsic to New York (and I know that) I think it just came with really terrible timing, and I can kind of (sort of) understand why I associate that with New York.
But just as New York has given me (I really think) the worst thing of my life… (I mean, absolutes are hard to say, but from where I stand now, this feels like the worst thing that’s happened to me…)
And just as NY gave me the worst, it gave me the freaking best… As we all know, I doted on my Nightly Show job because I loved and adored it like craaaaaazy.
So, I should focus on that, probably. I have said on this very blog that attitude is potentially the most important thing in life. So, I’m gonna try to shift my attitude… I’m (unfortunately, I hate to admit) struggling more than normal with that… It’s hard to be here in NY.
Right after it happened, I tried to double-down on NY. I went to charity events, some museums, and a Nightly Show soccer game, even. I made tons of plans with anyone I even half-knew in New York. I was like, “Let’s strengthen some relationships with some people here! Let’s do some New York stuff!” I even signed up for an improv class (and went to the first session).
And ultimately, I was distracted. I’m sure I wasn’t super fun to hang out with during any of the social meetings I was trying to force on myself. I wasn’t totally present at my charity events (though I was as present as I could be at soccer, and had a spectacular time).
And then I reached a day where I couldn’t just push through anymore. It’s hard to know what to share and what not to share. But basically, I interacted with him again, and it was a mess that made me feel even worse, and I suppose slightly distraught, as I imagined continuing to seeing him everywhere (as you freaking do in NY – Heck, I have 100% accidentally run into two different friends from high school …and a fair amount of other people too, even… which is ridiculous that New York is like a tiny town).
Anyway, I kind of got in my head, got a little scared of nothing – and kind of allowed someone else’s existence to dictate mine (which is embarrassing and I’d be shocked if my role models such as Hillary Clinton would do that, which makes it double embarrassing that I did).
I quit that improv class in favor of being able to travel on Fridays… That was weird for me – the day escaping became more important to me than rebuilding my life. My life was just a freaking mess, and I left it all the time.
I was still distracted. I still cried a fair amount. But for some reason, it seemed safer to do it from 3,000 miles away.
Anyway… I have no idea what I’m doing. But New York has been tough – even though it has given me 1,000 wonderful things.
And if I’d expect Hillary Clinton to plant her feet and take up her space, even if she felt intimidated or sad, there’s no reason I shouldn’t do the same thing.
I. Live. Here. Now.
And I promise, even if it’s hard… I promise to love you again, New York. Pinky swear.