Picking up from yesterday –
Sometimes I just want to do a sketch. Or a love song. Or a little love story. Or whatever. And I’m not going to throw out everything I’ve ever written, and cut off possibilities for anything I ever could write just because I think someone might try to compare my abusive relationship to whatever silly future story I write.
[And sometimes, I just wanna watch a sketch, or listen to a love song, or enjoy a movie… And I’m not gonna take those opportunities away from myself either. I can watch a silly relationship, I can watch adjacent things happen, I can enjoy that Key & Peele sketch about miscommunication – and so many other sketches and sitcoms and stuff, without any of it having to be about him, and/or without my feelings about the stuff I’m watching having anything to do with him or what he did to me.]
…And if I’m worried about his voice specifically as the ghost on my shoulder trying to normalize what he did – he would always try to normalize what he did.
It doesn’t matter what I write or say or do. He would always argue that he’s super respectful toward women. (I lived through that conversation a billion times, no matter which way I went about it.)
And I can’t be having that argument with a freaking ghost! (Why would you argue with a ghost?!)
And even if I did argue with that ghost (’cause I have!), I have to know that that ghost is gonna argue the same thing no matter what. I can’t change my behavior and my brain to accommodate a stubborn ghost! (I really shouldn’t be arguing with him in the first place, tbh)
Basically, the definitions of things don’t have to change. I don’t have to jump or have an internal gasp at the words “miscommunication,” “man,” “dating,” “sex,” “sleep,” “breakfast,” “spending the night,” etc.
I am not always defending myself. I am not always talking about what happened to me. I can just have a conversation about those normal things, (…period). I had put a comma there, like I needed to say something else, or add a qualifier. But I don’t need one. I can just have a conversation about those normal things.