Picking up from yesterday –
Facts are great – and they’re important. And it sucks that some of the facts in this story don’t look wonderful for me (e.g. that I did continue to stay with him for so (sort of) long in the grand scheme of what was going on, that I did seem a liiiil’ ‘crazy-ish’ at some points. (As much as I hate that generally unfair word, it’s hard not to feel crazy when you’re bawling at the drop of a hat, or leaving events early when no one there really understands, or emotional at things that don’t totally seem to be worth getting so emotional about, or inexplicably sick more often than normal with all the stress (and sometimes injuries) you’re under, etc. etc. etc.)…
And all that I can really do is ask you to trust me – which I know is a lot to ask. And I’m thankful that so many people have. Because I’m telling the truth. But in an un-provable situation like this, I feel helpless.
And… it’s just been exceptionally frustrating to me to all too often hear this narrative that it must be so common or normal, to boldface lie about sexual assault for some sort of gain (when I literally cannot understand what anyone would possibly be gaining from this)… it’s just very odd to me.
And part of the reason I’m sharing is because a LOT of women’s (and I’m sure men’s) stories are not “perfect.” That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t share. You should not have to be “perfect” to be heard, or believed, or respected.
I’m not perfect. I didn’t handle situation perfectly. (But it’s a false equivalence to say that me not reacting perfectly (especially when there is no truly “perfect” way to react) makes sexual assault, and all his other abuse okay… It doesn’t.)
I’m working to let go of my guilt for “not being perfect.” And if you’re worried about “not being perfect,” I am loud and clearly (and very embarrassingly) admitting that I’m not perfect either! You have some company, friend.
[To see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]