Picking up from yesterday –
Because do you know what happens to women who talk about sexual assault? We’re called sluts. We’re called liars. We’re asked to defend every single second of the interaction (when people don’t ask victims of other crimes to do that). It’s not fun. Nothing about this is “fun.”
[I want to be enjoying my normal life and the things I worked hard for, not deferring, and never sleeping, and barely functioning and having my life crumble around me. I want to talk about fun stuff and jokes and rainbows and sunshine, not the gross epidemic of assault/abuse in America.
But I do talk about it because it’s important. It’s personal/pertinent. And it’s kind of all I even can talk about right now, as I just haven’t been capable of handling too, too much else recently (and I don’t really wish to stop blogging).]
Some of this has been… comforting, I guess… Some people have shown me beautiful empathy.
Some of this has been, I don’t even want to say interesting, because I don’t think that’s the right word, but I suppose eye-opening… It’s really made me learn so much more about what’s happening for so many other women (and I’m sure men too).
So, this has been a few different things – but fun (or some kind of boost in attention, or something) is not one of them. None of this has gotten me ahead in life. (In fact, as we know, my life has been deterred/deferred in many ways because of this…)
So, it’s just very weird to me to hear (multiple) people who think this benefits me in any possible way… Heck, even if someone thinks I’m somehow “getting back at this guy,” I don’t know how. I’m not even going on a vendetta against this specific man. I haven’t mentioned his name. (I’m talking about a broad important concept, rooted in something that happened to me – which, when it comes to that story, I’m trying to make about me (and how I’ve been affected), and not even about him (as much as I can).)
And it also doesn’t help that I’m not perfect because people don’t want to get mired in the details of strangers…
So, sometimes it feels like if anything has to be explained (e.g. why people stay with abusers, or why you’d flirt with your abuser after he’d done something bad, etc. etc.) – just anything that isn’t immediately clear that requires learning about abuse dynamics or other things… people just want to hurt down. They don’t wanna hear it, or deep dive… “Domestic disputes are between the couples, not me” [*shrugs*].
Which is their prerogative…. But I suppose the hurtful part is not when people just want to click out and choose not to care… That’s fine. But it’s when people don’t want to pay attention, and they wanna say it’s not a big deal. Like ‘Oh, this is too much to sift through/get a handle on, and it always takes two to tangle. Couples have disputes. So, I’m sure you’re overreacting.’
But no! This wasn’t just an “annoying boy” or a “inconsiderate boyfriend.” This was a consistently manipulative, gaslighting, seemingly professional-level abuser (if that’s even a thing, I don’t know how to be a professional abuser, but if there is one, he is. He was incredible at it.)
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!