Picking up from yesterday –
1A) A Small Person (My image)
My athleticism is kinda tied into my image. As you know (if you’re a blog reader – or probably just if you know me…), I’ve lost a lot of weight (a lot) (after being a sort of chubby kid at times, followed by being a person who was in the hospital for far too long with congenital heart issues and kinda gained a fair amount of weight sitting in bed and eating ice cream all day for months…. Oof, probably coulda gone about that better at the time, but we can just breeze past that too…).
And I feel powerful from losing that weight. Since all that weight loss, I’ve felt more confident. I’ve gotten more attention – not just from dudes (and some ladies), but just from life.
Honestly, job interviews have gone better. My jobs themselves have been better. More opportunities have presented themselves. (Not that that’s all about being small. I think it also maybe has to do with working hard as time passes (so, you’d hope your career gets better as that happens)… It would make logical sense that that stuff would potentially be going better no matter what. That’s part of what happens (in an ideal world) as your career continues on…)
I’m just saying, my life as a smaller person felt a trillion times better than my life as a larger person (to me). (I’m sure confidence has a lot to do with it too…)
And I’m not trying to make a value judgement on people who aren’t my size, or aren’t as worried about size as I am… I’m saying from my own experience, life as a size 4 has been freaking dope. (For the most part. We all have seen that even as a size 4, I’m often insecure as all get out about my body. I’m not positive I’ll ever live in a world in which I’m truly super happy about my weight, but I’m definitely veeeeery unhappy with it now. That’s what I know for the time being…)
I don’t even know how to describe my weight right now, because I don’t fully want to get into numbers here, or embarrass myself. It’s not oooooout of control, but it’s not good.
The point is, I’m not as comfy and small and compact as I used to be. And that terrifies me.
Dresses are too tight. Some don’t fit at all anymore. Things do fit differently. And I don’t like that at all. (Eep(!))
2) An Independent Girl!
My independence is everything to me. Just some examples:
– I moved to New York alone with no notice for The Nightly Show. (I came for an interview and just stayed.)
– One day, years before that, I got a call for a job in Vegas, and hopped on a plane for a month. Again, no notice, no planning. Just did it.
– During my 52 half marathons in 52 weeks, I traveled around the country for two months, on a complete whim during my hiatus from work.
– I stayed in a homeless shelter in one of my first gos at NYC, when I was totally running out of money and options, because I refused to allow anything to push me out of the city of my dreams.
And on and on and on and on and on.
I have taken care of myself. I have traveled alone, lived alone, worked/made things happen alone*…
(*like, obviously not alone, alone… with the help of people. No one is completely a lone wolf. I’m not at all trying to say my good fortune, or career, or anything has been based on me alone. That would be incorrect… A whole ecosystem of people contributed to me moving up in the entertainment industry and getting to do all my yearly projects and everything… I’ve met helpful, kind, lovely people. And I appreciate them greatly. I’m only trying to say that I’m not a person who says, “I’ll only go if you go,” or who over-analyzes or overthinks big decisions (e.g. moving on a whim)… You could make an argument this quality isn’t always good, but it is me…)
Anyway, I’m not afraid to go alone, to be alone… I have no trouble uprooting my life to chase something [even if that something I’m getting to chase is given to me with the help of someone else (aka my incredibly boss at Nightly, etc. – it takes a village, and all that).] Does that all make sense?
And now I don’t leave my house nearly as much alone. I don’t do as much alone.
We could argue this one.
I still went to Philly and the DNC afterparty alone. I do some things alone…
But lately, I weirdly I feel safer doing them with someone (especially in New York).
I know it’s a bit of a silly feeling. It’s not like I was jumped by a stranger. I shouldn’t technically, probably be afraid of public space… But I feel soooooo much better in a public space if I’m with a co-worker…
I went to lunch with a co-worker and I thought to myself, “I feel so safe right now.” So much safer than if I’m alone. I usually don’t even take the subway alone anymore. Too often, I just stay in my office or take a cab or something.
I’m obviously having a hard time explaining it, but I think there is a weird fear thing happening of being alone around people. And it feels so weird, and so crappy, and not like me at all.
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.
[This is from the sexual assault series.]