Picking up from yesterday –
3) A present adventurer
I like to be present in my life, and I like to do a lot of stuff! You can see a lot of that from this very blog, in fact…
So many of the things I’ve done have been laid out in almost excruciating detail for you. (I have what, like 1,000 posts on The Price is Right? (I mean, hyperbole, but you get my drift.)) And I am able to write that way because, for the most part, I am paying attention, and living my moments…
Not right now.
I try to be present. I try to take in adventures I’m having… But those nights of assault(s), and the sequences that led to them are very often running constantly in the back of my mind.
For instance, I went to San Diego Safari Park in the summer. It was great. I had a phenomenal time. But as soon as my pre-planned, pre-paid safaris were done, I went and cried in the bathroom. (After all, I’d spent the whole morning listening to facts and stories about procreation and mating and all of that.)
It’s so innocent! It’s just animals, and learning… but it’s also kind of a whole morning of sex talk, sorta. So, I went and cried for over half an hour… Because I needed to.
Sometimes (often…reeeeally often), I get distracted… It sucks. (Suuuucks!)
4) A Person Who’s Actually Working Toward Stuff
I have been distracting myself since early spring.
I usually have two lists of goals on my wall – short and long-term, and I like to try to find ways to work toward them. I obviously like to do my whole 52 in 52 projects. I like to be working toward something – even if it’s something small, or maybe even something silly. I just like to work toward something, when possible.
And since spring, it’s been like, “Let’s escape! Ooh, a whale! Let’s soar on a zipline! Yay!”
Where has any of this gotten me? Nowhere. (Nowhere!)
Not to say it hasn’t been fun. Of course, for the most part, it’s been fun-ish (when I’m not breaking down in tears…). It’s been weird, crazy, interesting fun.
But where is it getting me? I see people out in the world improving, getting better, following their goals. And I’m just spinning my wheels. I haven’t even 100% known what (specific more-immediate-ish goals I wanted to go after during all of this… And truthfully, when I even thought about setting a new one, it was an overwhelming mess…
I wanted to potentially try 52 classes on various things in 52 weeks (to try to fill in my “intellectual” pillar of my 4 pillars…), and I started googling any and all interesting classes that I could take. And I ran across the idea of taking one of those sex classes where they show you toys or whatever, and I burst into tears.
[Not because I’m so vanilla if anyone cares, haha. I worked on a phone sex line (and at Playboy). I have costumes. I haven’t been generally ashamed of, or scared of, sex in my life. But there was something about having a class, and hearing about sex and talking about it, that it was like, “I can’t do this. I cannot.”]
Anyway, getting back to trying to find a goal to focus on (since apparently it cannot be classes or broadening my horizons), even if we look to earlier projects I’ve done, and some things I generally like to do/focus part of my life on –
As I said in an earlier number on this list, it’s been hard to even work out. So… what, am I gonna make a work out or running goal when I’m barely keeping my act together enough to be averaging less than a half marathon a month?
Am I gonna volunteer? I can barely keep my act together enough to do that either! (As I’ll talk about in the next number.) So… I didn’t know how to set a goal that I felt confident I could work toward/follow-through on… and one that felt like a step forward, not one backward… And then not setting one feels crummy too! Blegh. It’s all pretty crummy. (Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blegh.)
Aaaaanyway, there’s even more! Which we’ll get to tomorrow!
[This is from the sexual assault series.]