Picking up from yesterday –
7) As a creative writer/performer/musical theater person
I don’t even totally know how to fill this one in, but I think I’ve talked about this here. I’m not really writing stuff. I’m definitely not auditioning nor performing, for the most part (in part because of the lack of confidence and issues with going out in the world and all that. Aye aye aye.
8) A cultivator and lover of television
I love TV so much. I watch a bunch of it. I work in it! It’s my jam. And yet, I’m having issues even watching TV. I can’t watch sex scenes. They hurt to watch. It hurts to watch people touching. And people are always touching. Staying current on TV shows is the least of all my worries in the world. Still, I can’t even do that (when it is a looove of mine – and the industry I work in!). So, a small problem, but a big enough one!)
9) As a freaking strong person who doesn’t let anybody stop her. Ever.
I wrote out the number up and main idea and then didn’t even fill in/elaborate, because as I said earlier, I can’t rely on myself.
10) A confident-ish person.
(I think this was basically covered in 1A for the most part. I know I “joke” (sometimes non-joke) about being insecure about body stuff, but I would say I’m geeeenerally confident person who’s jump up and dance on things, or introduce myself to new people, or for the most part just take my space in the world. Not now (says the girl who’s pretty much consistently apologizing to anyone and everyone for even existing)!
10) As An Open, Loving, Non-Cynical, Emotions-On-Her-Sleeve, Happy-Go-Lucky Lady
I don’t know totally what to say about this one. I don’t even know if I have the energy to keep delving into all the ways I’m faltering. (Right?!). But, like, you get it? We get it, right?
11) As a Person Who Is So Totally Fine With Sex Stuff!
This one is kinda mainly about how I don’t like to cry during sex. (It’s so weird!) And partially it’s about some other things I said earlier in this post – e.g. not liking to talk about sex (when usually it’d feel pretty normal), not enjoying walling myself off from TV because I’m uncomfortable with sex scenes, etc etc etc.
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And so, with this list, as with so much in my life nowadays – I’m starting out as strong/hard as I can, and then by the end I don’t even know what I’m doing(/saying), because I’m so distracted (among other negative emotions like sad and empty and such) that I can’t seem to successfully finish anything – even this post – properly. [*Sigh* Ugh. Gah. Ugh. Sorry!]
[This is from the sexual assault series.]