Picking up from yesterday –
5) A Responsible Person Who Follows Through On Things
Over and over again, I follow through. I’m the one who was called, in high school, if my teacher needed anything done, because I would make sure it happened. I was the one who stayed at The Nightly Show ’til 3am prepping footage from a late-night shoot, so it can air the next day. I’m the one who says I’m gonna do time intensive projects (52 half marathons, 52 volunteer activities, et al) – and I do them. I plan(ish) them, and complete them.
[Again, kind of as before, I want to point out, I’m not the only one who follows through. Just reiterating I’m not some lone angel or anything. My theater teacher was always in the theater when I was. She’s a follow-through person too. My boss barely ever left work. She’s a follow-througher as well… And even though (when I was an assistant editor), I did stay ’til 3am prepping footage, a superstar editor came in at some crazy early time to get the piece done for the show… None of us work alone.]
BUT
I was always a cog in the machine who you could really count on… Or at least, I felt I was, and tried to be that.
This year?
Nah.
People have invited me to things that I didn’t go to because I just didn’t feel up to it.
And I know if it’s some random party, that’s not necessarily a big deal. But there’ve been friend’s stand-up shows I’ve missed (and spots where I could have a little set)… I’ve missed opportunities to do improv. I’ve missed opportunities to get out and do fun things or helpful things, because I didn’t feel I could. I was too tired/sad/whatever.
Kinda most embarrassingly, I feel I haven’t come through enough for my mentee (a high schooler through a mentoring program). I won’t talk much about her (respecting her privacy and all). But I could’ve really tried better to do more for her. I wasn’t there enough at all…
The point is, in general, now I’ve tried to just start committing to less… Because, if I don’t commit, then I can’t let people down… But I like to commit to things. And I like to be there. And I like for people to still think of me when it comes to inviting me to things – not to not even bother, thinking I won’t say yes (or won’t make it even if I originally say yes).
So, not feeling reliable ’cause I never know how I’ll be “feeling” or what kind of “state” I’ll be in or whatever… It suuuuuuucks.
6) As a caring, giving friend/person
I always feel a little bit lacking-ish in this department (well, I always feel at least a little lacking in every department – I can always be better)… But I also always try to be better.
I try to at least kind of keep in touch with my good friends across the country. I try to remember birthdays and special events. (I keep many in my calendar (and try to add more), so I don’t have to cross my fingers that social media will tell me (probably when it’s too late to maybe send a card anyway).)
I love to let people know I care about them.
I also looooove to write thank you cards. My boss from The Nightly Show joked how she was going to have a wall of thank you cards just from me. I. love. to write. thank you cards. I’m pretty sure I wrote a thank you card once because someone bought me a coffee.
I love to write them.
I think we also know (based on past entries from this blog when I was undertaking the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks project – trying to schedule, and run, and blog, and raise money for charity, and blah blah blah excuses) that I totally fell short of keeping up with all the thank you cards
(I I still sent out many (though, of course, I do wish I’d sent every one)… I literally found some written that were just never sent when I was cleaning out my LA room to move the majority of my stuff to NY (so…like 3 years later(!)). Apparently they are never-ending and still never all got sent. Gah! Sorry.)
So, I’m obviously not perfect at them. I don’t always get them done. But I do love them. And even if I didn’t always get them done, I certainly got them done way, way, way, way, way, way more than I do now.
And I had soooooo many I wanted to send this year. And did I? Nope.
Victoria from Safari Park (really, everyone from that basically month-long birthday extravaganza), instructors at certain workout places, and on and on… Just a bunch of people. And I didn’t do it.
I have a hard time now just keeping up with the responsibilities I have, that I often I struggle trying to do any more. (There are many days I feel lucky to successfully brush my teeth, so how can I write a thank you card?)
I’ve missed friends birthdays because I’ve been so spacey. In some I haven’t missed, I’ve merely texted instead of trying to leave a fun voicemail – because I haven’t felt emotionally okay enough that day to talk on the phone. (Gah!)
I’m the worst. And I hate it. (Sorry!!!)
And if you can believe it, there’s even more tomorrow.
[This is a post from the sexual assault series.]