If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
So, anyway, as a woman (from my experience) your threshold for what’s considered “inconsiderate” or “not okay” – your whole spectrum is off, because you’ve been told that the best you can expect is a half-listen. That’s the bright green of the spectrum of how boys are gonna interact with you. So we’ve shoved the whole spectrum up – a bunch of this behavior that would’ve been in the super red (not okay) zone before is maybe just yellow or even light green now. After all, this is the way the world works. No changing it. Boys don’t/can’t listen to you…
And I always thought it was small things that wouldn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t realize what an ingrained societal norm it is to exuse all boys always for not listening until I heard story after story of assaults and rapes and everything where it’s like,
“Well, did she let him know that’s not what she wanted?”
“Oh, yeah, definitely.”
“He heard her?”
“Oh, he heard her ’cause he responded [any number of things like “shhhhh” or “you’re fine,” “calm down,” “I’m almost finished. I’m just gonna finish. SHHHHHHH!” Or “no, that’s not right/you’re wrong/you’re being too emotional,” or on and on and on and on]
“I mean, okay. But like… crying could mean anything. And, ‘you’re making me uncomfortable. I’m crying ’cause of you – somehow that could all mean anything [semantics, semantics, semantics gymnastics away everything else she said/did].” And then it becomes, “did she say it enough times?”
Like how many times do you need?! I’m sorry, do I need to weld you a neon sign really fast that says “I’m gonna need you to get off me immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. GET. AWAY. FROM. ME. Is that clear enough?”
I mean, do you need me to start learning how to say “get off” in 20 languages? Does it need to be an in-your-face, get-off-me version of the “It’s A Small World” ride?
Like, at what point do we say the woman’s done enough?
If you were with a friend who saw a sign for something that said “Caution! Extremely hot! WILL cause burns!” And they shove their hand on that hot surface anyway, you might be empathetic to your suffering friend in the ambulance, but aren’t you also gonna be well aware that it was your friend’s actions/decisions who got him in that mess – not those of the hot surface?
“Well, why didn’t the hot surface have more precautions?! Why not more signs? Why not a force field that activated when a hand gets close? FORCE me to get away. Keep me away ’cause I can’t be expected to show any judgement or comprehension.” (What?)
It’s not everyone’s job to protect a man at all costs. So when someone tells a man clearly that something really hurts, or that something is really uncomfortable, or please let me go, etc… it’s his job to get off. Period. Full stop.
(And to reiterate the title of my post: If I Never Hear “Well, Boys Don’t Listen” Again For The Rest Of My Life, It Will Still Be Way Too Soon)
[This is from the series of sexual assault posts.]