If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
Even the way other people see us is certainly not universal. The way our boss thinks of us vs. our significant other vs. our parents, etc. might be different – because they know us in different capacities, and have known us for different various lengths of time and such.
So, there is no complete universal way to see each of us, I know.
But, I feel like generally there’s a general sense of who we are – in which for the most part, even if some things change from person’s view to other person’s view, we all kiiiinda know the gist, the essence of the person..
(Sort of, I guess… Then again, maybe that view is what gets me in trouble, as it’s been so hard to see an abusive man as just that (even when I saw it up close)… But I’m tangenting, as per often….)
Anyway.
I don’t know if this happens to a lot of victims of abuse, but I started to have this (mostly irrational (I hope!) fear of, “What if I’m him?!”
What if I am steamrolling people and not realizing it? After all, haven’t I said some version of the words, ‘Aw, come on! Come wiiiith us!’ if I want someone to come do something I think is fun? What if I’m over-pressuring in a way I don’t see?…
What if I don’t really listen to people? For the most part, I try to take it in when someone says I hurt their feelings. But he thinks he does that too! He’s always like, “I don’t know why women can’t get over things when I apologize.” And it’s like, “well, because you’re not actually apologizing in any way, and it’s weird that you think you are… Do you not know what an apology is?”
But it kinda seems like he thinks he is apologizing (when he’s not saying sorry or showing any remorse, and is turning things back around on you)!
And what if somehow, whenever I think I’m apologizing, I’m not, and no one’s ever felt they’ve gotten a real apology from me? How terrible would that be? [I don’t think that’s true, but what if!]
What if when both me and someone else have done something wrong or hurt each other, and I ask to find some common ground or see my point of view, I think I’m doing something healthy and having a real back and forth conversation, but it’s actually shutting that person down (like sexual assault guy would do to me)?
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.
[This is part of the sexual assault series.]