Picking up from yesterday –
What if, what if, what if… So many of his behaviors seems so adjacent to normal behaviors (but different in very important ways)… But because they seem adjacent, what if any of us are teetering on the edge of being able to do these abusive awful things? What if we think we’re having healthy conversations, but we’re gaslighting? (I mean, I don’t think that’s how it works. But I’ve had a lot of time in my brain, and I’ve gotten a little afraid!)
I went through a phase during all this where at one point, I tried to contact any people I could with whom I’d felt there was any even sort of unresolved thing… Had I thought that maybe I made someone mildly uncomfortable one random day 6 years ago? They’re getting a call! Had I thought maybe I seemed distant during one conversation 3 years ago? They’re also getting one! You get a call. You get a call. Everybody gets a call!
I couldn’t find contact info for some people. From others, I did, but I never heard back. From anyone I did get get to talk to, it was easy talks of, “I don’t even remember that happening,” or “oh, that was so no big deal at all. Thanks for the apology and everything, but seriously. Nothing was wrong.”
(So, hopefully that’s a good sign, I suppose… I’m obviously over-worrying, seemingly for nothing, it seems/I hope.)
There’s still the possibility that something I don’t remember affected someone in a way I’m unaware of. There’s also the possibility that some of the people I do remember but couldn’t reach hold a deep grudge against me. (Maybe that’s part of why I couldn’t reach ’em! Who knows!)
That’s not to say I think I’ve done anything as awful as he has. (I don’t.)
(Then again, he also probably doesn’t think of anything he’s done as all that awful… So who knows anything, right?) I just… I dunno… My brain just runs away from me sometimes, nowadays, I think…)
Anyway, this was just another weird way in which my confidence eroded. On top of everything else, it’s like, “Not only am I afraid of him, needing to be safe from him, I also don’t wanna be him.”