Picking up from yesterday –
That doesn’t mean I won’t ever deal with PTSD again, or that I won’t be in therapy, or that I won’t ever, ever, ever have any more thoughts on sexual assault or abuse or anything like that (that I’ll share). But I won’t want to talk about it often, and in my daily life.
But aaaanyway, anyone who’s reading this blog has come into my space. You’ve come to my blog address, or you’ve subscribed. You’re here to read about what I have to say. And even still, even knowing for some reason (it’s so nice of you, thank you), you’re here for my thoughts, and even knowing some of those thoughts on this issue might actually be helpful somehow to some people – that I might say something someone identifies with and might be helpful to them, I’m still sometimes think, “How dare I talk about all this stuff? I’m just excusing myself for going through a hard time.”
But I’m not. I’m grappling with the ways my own behavior has affected my relationships and life. I am taking responsibility for the things I do that are my fault. And at the same time (while trying to take responsibility for how I interact with the world while trying to cope with/learn to manage PTSD), I can also be very sad about ways I’m affected by things that have happened to me…
Brains are so complicated. And while we are resilient creatures, that doesn’t mean we’re incapable of becoming hurt. And I just feel like so often we put this insane, impossible pressure on ourselves to have “no excuses! No excuses ever!” that we sometimes don’t get to actually even get to the root of a problem – to try to actually fix it from where it stems, because we’re too busy covering it up and looking away, since how dare we be affected by something?
I think we’re allowed to not “have excuses,” – to not think we can do whatever we want with zero consequences – while still having issues and problems and things worth looking at, talking about, and working on.
(I don’t know if that even makes any sense. But that’s kind of what’s rolling along in my head today.)
[This is from the sexual assault series.]