If you’re seeing this, FYI, this post is old.
Picking up from yesterday –
And THEN, now that I’m actually talking to and enjoying other human beings again, I’m interacting with more friends – some I haven’t seen or talked to in a while and then we get to “oh we should really hang out!” And I COULD! I’m on break from school. I’m on hiatus from work. I’ve got nothing but time. And yet I’m avoiding these people I adore because I can’t bear to be “normal Aurora” around them.
And we could argue that “oh, come on, your friends don’t care what you look like.” But what about how I feel? What if I don’t feel good being around them when I don’t feel good about myself? But it’s still devastating to me. I love my friends. I want to see my friends! i don’t want to hide out like I’m freaking Quasimodo. And yet, somehow, here I am.
So, it’s like even *after* I get my body together – assuming I can actually do that(!) – then I’m still gonna have even more hurdles to climb of stitching relationships back together that I’m letting lapse because I’m too embarrassed to show my face. And it’s also gonna be a pretty big hill to climb to go back out on auditions and get that part of my life back up and running. When this happened to me, I was performing, on average, once a week. I know that’s not enough, and obviously the goal was more. But that’s something! And that’s at least semi-consistent, and I was starting to get a rhythm and that’s gone.
So, anyway, blah blah blah. The point is, it feels like “coming back” is neeeeeeever ending.
Like, when is everything gonna be back to at least just stasis? Even if not better than before the thing happened, just like the same? Even if I could just get back to the same, I’d be so joyous. So, when do I get that? When do all the remnants finally disappear?
Or am I dealing with the consequences of a man who hurt me forever?
I don’t know. I just know that I don’t feel like me. And it feels like I’m doing everything in my power to make me feel more like me and it’s a craaaazy SUPER hard process and it’s taking an eternity and it’s a frustration that’s really hard to explain. But it’s just so painful.I just don’t know how to get fully back to “normal.”
I know some people (maybe even me sometimes!) say “well, don’t try to get back, try to go forward.” And, sure, there’s something to be said for that, but I can’t go forward until I, at least, look reasonably like my old self. I can’t do it. Maybe the money or some relationships or some other things, you try to let those go. But the weight? No. I won’t accept that this just is me now. No. No, no, no. So, I’m working hard. I just wish I had a magic wand… I dunno. Okay, I’m gonna stop rambling now, but goodness gracious, I miss my friends, myself, my old life, possibility, feeling good about myself, and on and on and on.) Okay, the end. Goodnight.