Picking up from yesterday –
BMI in general this Monday wasn’t grand for me. Nothing incredibly awful happened, but just a couple of sort of bad things that all kind of piled on each other – including this sad news, and a not-great song presentation.
So, I left NY with this not super great feeling about everything. And then I came home. And it’s so great here. And everyone’s so nice and everything seems so possible-ish (I mean, I’m having some sadness issues outside of this, so that’s for another day, but anyway)…
What am I doing?
I’ve been pouring all these resources into living in New York – money, time, brainpower, etc. I’m like, “nobody’s gonna make me leave! I’m gonna do this!”
And I believe in that – that you don’t let your rapist define your life. Sure. But where is the line of fighting for yourself/your dreams vs “Maybe I’m just not meant to live here, and I need to stop either trying to prove something (to myself or others) or trying to live a dream that maybe just isn’t going to materialize like I envisioned it would, period.”
[I mean, at some point, if a bunch of your decisions revolve around him “not defining your life,” at some point, isn’t he still defining your life, just in a different way, kinda?]
But then also, maybe every hiccup is not some magical sign New York isn’t working. And maybe every wonderful time I have at home doesn’t mean New York is worse for my career or a bad place. I dunno.
I just hoped I was gonna have this beautiful perfect experience the second time around. And now… well, I guess nothing’s perfect. And maybe this is just another example of that.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
And I used to think of that sentence in a really fun way – like in the song from a musical I saw at La Jolla Playhouse reveling in how fun it was to have no idea what you were doing, and how that means there are all these possibilities.
But in this moment, I think of it more in a despair-type way. I have no idea what I’m doing. And I just feel… *sigh*
[For more on my experience with BMI, you can go here!]