Picking up from yesterday –
As much as this time around the year has gone so much better, I just couldn’t shake what it felt like to be in that room again – all the memories it holds and everything. So, the only thing I felt I even could write about (for right now) was domestic violence/sexual assault – which is exactly what I did.
I was totally nervous. It felt like a huge risk – going back to this place that I had left and deferred from because of an abuser… and doing a show about abuse? Oooh! Felt like going on a limb.
Word has gotten around to many at BMI. So, I think most people watching knew my history there. And it’s like… “eeesh. Do I really wanna bring this up at a place where they’d all probably rather just forget it… Do I want to make it easier for all of us to pretend it never happened?”
I mean, kinda. Part of me wants to move on like nothing happened. But another part is like, “Welp!” [I just said that out loud as I typed and I was really quite loud…]
Anyway! I wrote this musical and performed it.
And while part of it was super nerve-wracking (for a number of reasons – even aside from people knowing the history of it, it’s like was I gotta do it justice? Was it gonna seem too melodramatic? etc?)…
Part of it was SO empowering. Like, “Well, Mr. Sexual Assault abuser guy, you were so popular in my last class, and I felt like I was basically forced out of this very room where I’m performing this.
I’d just moved to New York, and didn’t have a bug support system here. And I felt soooooooooo alone. For a hot second (a way way too long hot second), it felt like you ‘won’…
But now, here I am – in the same room where it felt liked you were silencing me – loudly singing about domestic abuse and sexual assault. You’ve gotten cut from the program [not because of what he did, but because after 2 years, there’s a big cut and he didn’t make it], and while I may have fallen behind, I’m the one who’s writing and singing, and who still, at least, has a chance to move forward now.”
And that felt good that like, maybe he hasn’t, uh, ruined my life, I suppose.
(Even though those paragraphs feel a little on the mean side to me, I dunno. It was upsetting, and it’s empowering to be back.)
But what felt best of all was that it went over like freaking gangbusters!!!
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!