Picking up from yesterday –
But what felt best of all was that it went over like freaking gangbusters!!! I can’t even begin to tell you how well it went. Well, I can… And I will. I just – phew. It’s like a weight lifted from my heart and my shoulders. And goodness, gracious it just felt so good.
And I think that’s especially true because throughout the last couple of years since this happened, I kept thinking “‘this’ [whatever random thing ‘this’ happens to be at the moment] is gonna be the things that helps,” or “at least I’ll excel at this, this, or that.”
And I have probably failed more in the last couple of years than I have in the rest of my life combined. It has felt over and over and over like nothing could go right – even stuff that had almost always gone right before… Interpersonal stuff was totally falling apart. Running (my safe haven!) was a complete mess. (I got slower, and sadder, and injured, and everything was awful – even with my favorite hobby.)
There were some songs in BMI that I actually thought were pretty good, but then ultimately didn’t go over too terribly great.
Even at work where I feel like I can usually totally hold it down, I wasn’t doing as well, had trouble concentrating, was just a straight up mess. (And kinda especially one specific job I expected to go well – and probably, under different circumstances would have – didn’t.) So, I dunno…
Basically, seemingly every part of my life was a mess. I started completely distrusting my own decisions since everything was resulting in failures anyway…
So, I braced myself for, “Okay, here might be another failure” (since it seems like everything is as of late, eesh!)… But alas, it was a success. (What?! Fiiiiiinally! A success!) Eeeeeeee!
More tomorrow!
[Or for more on my experience with BMI, you can click here.
And for more on sexual assault, go here.
Thanks!]