(Sorry, I know there’s been a fair amount of insecurity lately, but like… I just graduated grad school. I’m in a life transition, so cut a girl a break. ;))
But, as you can probably tell from the blog I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ‘what’s next,’ and as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been trying to package ‘what’s been.’
And also, randomly, I’ve been trying to organize the blog a little better. As you know, as of this moment, I’m extraordinarily far behind in my posts. (You’re missing multiple international trips, and much of the Wheel of Fortune story, etc.)
And as I’ve been looking around the blog, I noticed the page for the 52 Performances in 52 Weeks only had like 3 listed. (Somehow I just never filled in the page – whoops!) So, I’ve been going back to try to fill it in with all the rest.
[I was so scared that maybe somewhere along the way I had fallen behind on those blog posts and they weren’t even done, and I was going to have to somehow do my best to piece together what the 52 different things had been, because I definitely don’t remember all this time later. But thankfully, alas, everything has been blogged. I just needed to put it in a list.]
Anyway… I’ve been reading a few them. (And even some of the ones I haven’t been reading, I remember fairly well once I see the title.)
And it’s funny because that year was when I was in BMI the first time. And you can feel the stress off of me on every. single. assignment.
And I know it was a stressful time in my life for multiple reasons, and I know some of that was seeping in, I also did legitimately care that much about BMI.
And it’s sort of funny because I’ve never considered myself to be an “anxious” person, per se. Like, when people describe anxiety, I don’t imagine myself. I don’t have problems ordering at restaurants, or talking to people on the phone – those kinds of things I always hear about with anxiety.
But. The way I talk about the things I care about… it feels a little anxious. I mean, when you hear me talk about BMI the first time around, you would think I was going to be sent to a guillotine if my song didn’t go well.
(Not that I’m saying I definitely think of myself as anxious or anything. I’m just saying I love how much I deeply cared about things.)
And of course I can laugh looking back on it now, because I made it to BMI Advanced. I have nothing to worry about anymore. Of course once a place feels like home and you are completely and fully accepted, you can put your feet up a little and have fun.
Of course I still respect BMI, and feel very lucky to be in the Advanced Workshop. It’s not that I’m less thankful now. It’s just that I feel like I can bring in a song I’m unsure about without worrying I’m gonna die (I’m exaggerating, but you get the gist) if it goes poorly.
And BMI wasn’t the only thing I ever felt that way about. I’d get those butterfly-in-my-stomach feelings for starting jobs, auditions, interviews…
And I kinda liked feeling so hyper-vigilantly nervous – where every detail was burning itself in my brain.
And it’s not the same kind of nervous as if I just tried to find the scariest rollercoaster or whatever, but it’s this sort of “my life could change today” kind of nervousness that’s like this hopefully, thrilling nervousness.
And I guess technically, your life could change literally any day… but it’s a little more likely on a day you’re interviewing, or auditioning, that kind of stuff – the things where there really is a lil’ fork in your road. (But we can definitely points to times people’s lives have changed when that wasn’t the case.)
Anyway, I wanna feel that again. And of course, there has to be a way. God willing, I’ll get nominated for an Emmy one of these years, and I’m sure I’ll feel that in the audience as I wait to see who wins. I’d probably feel it nomination morning as well.
I might interview for an incredible job. (I mean… if I want an Emmy, we have to assume I’ve gotten an incredible job.) So, if I was about to interview with Last Week Tonight, I’d have that, I think.
So, it’s not impossible in any way to feel that again… And I guess in some ways, it’s not good to be that stressed all the time. And there’ve been plenty of times in my life I wasn’t feeling that…
But… I dunno… I like to care way too much. I like to be the girl who gives such a performance of “Fine, Fine Line” in high school that people thought she was in the heartbreak of a lifetime when really she was singing about a ‘Fine, Fine Line’ between having the senior year she worked for, or not getting cast in things [and it feeling like the end of the universe if she didn’t get cast in some great leads]. (And yes, I just read the blog post where I mentioned that story haha. I had completely forgotten about it, otherwise. It’s not a defining moment of my life, but it did seem relevant after just having read about it.)
I like deeply caring. I like caring ‘too much’ even. I like caring about things that other people think are silly, but they matter sooooooo much to me. So.. yeah, I just need something to which to have that painful-in-a-good-way, hopeful-hopeful-hopeful, gonna-feel-like-it’s-death-if-this-doesn’t-work-out care about.