At this point, sometimes I don’t even remember what’s an actual posted post vs what’s a post I’ve only drafted. I’m trying to get the blog under control, but obviously it’s been hard for me. 😛
The gist of the post I’m thinking of in my head talks about how I went from operating at like 20% to operating somewhere around 79-ish percent, and even though that’s a great jump, I still really felt that last missing 21%.
But I think I’m basically there. I’d say I’m at like 98%, y’all.
If there’s anything holding me back, it’s the crazy backlog of life that’s happened by being practically non-functional for much of the last year and a half. I have a stack of thank you cards to potentially write (unless I give up on that), I have old emails to return, I have to clean up this blog, I have some pounds to lose. I have things that need to get done.
But. I have the ability to do them now. I don’t wanna over-speak, but I would say I am basically at full functionality now. So, if we’re talking about where my life is and what I feel like I need to do to “catch up” or something, I’m still maybe at 83-ish percent. (I feel like I got a lot to do.) But if we’re talking about how I feel on a day-to-day basis – that I’ll be able to get through those emails and run again and focus and concentrate and re-strengthen the salvageable friendships and start new ones… All of that is hovering somewhere right around 100.
I know I kind of had this moment over the summer where I shot up from 30-something percent to 79-ish, or whatever we wanna call it. (Sometimes it’s hard to gauge.) And of course, I felt that, and it was giant… But even though it’s not as much ground to cover to jump about 20%, as it was to jump about 40… It’s an important 20%! And I really feel it.
This week has been so good – starting with an incredible Tuesday (some of which you know about here, some of which I might talk more about later). But either way, Tuesday was so dope and basically the week just got better from there.
Therapy was the best it’s ever been on Friday. My therapist and I were laughing and joking and having kind of the time of our lives. (Well, I can’t speak for her. But I was having a total ball.)
It was just SO fun.
Also, sometimes when I’m sitting in a chair and talking to people, I like to kind of sit in ways of various leg-folding – not just feet on the ground, or crossed at the knees, but like maybe a foot underneath my butt that I’m sitting on, or an ankle on the chair right in front of me, with my knee up so I can lean on it. A lot of times, that “fun” kind of comfortable sitting means sort of just that – I’m really comfortable, and I’m having fun.
And I noticed I repositioned a little and sat on my foot. I am getting so comfortable in therapy, that I’m doing my comfortable sit!
I know it’s hard to ever really say I’m “better” completely. I know that PTSD doesn’t just evaporate. I know that there may be some nightmares or bad days to come (or at least I’ve been told this, so I’m trying to be at least semi-prepared for the possibility). But it feels (basically, as of Tuesday night) like I’m “better” as “officially” as someone can be.
In the words of James Brown, I feeeeeeeeeel good!