(Yeah, I know, yesterday we just talked about how fat I was, so I better.)
I haven’t gone to any classes since November that rely on putting your weight on your ankles over and over, or doing a lot of foot movements. I was having enough trouble in physical therapy just balancing on my right leg for like 30 seconds. So, I wasn’t well enough to go to a bar class.
But, physical therapy is going better all the time. And the physical therapist’s office is right by bar method. So, I gave it a go today!
And they ask before every class if anyone has an injury and I said it was my first class after coming back from a bit, and I’ve had a couple of injuries/surgeries whatever in the last few months.
And the instructor was patient and cool and she was like, “Just imagine you’re starting from scratch. Don’t worry about comparing yourself to where you were or anything like that. It’s a new beginning.”
And that just kind of stuck with me.
‘Cause I am really all over the place right now. I am oscillating wildly between:
“I’m gonna be back to ‘normal’ in every way in no time! I’ve seen tons of strides emotionally and physically since finishing trauma therapy in November until now. Psssh, this time next year, I’m gonna be fit and killing it and I’m gonna be an ironman before you know it. Heck, I’m gonna totally get that EGOT and maybe even become and Olympian! The world is my oyster!”
*falls on fainting couch* “It’s all over! The world is bleak! I’ll never be where I was before. It took 1,000 years to get back to normal after open-heart surgery and the whole quit-college-be-in-the-hospital-all-the-time debacle. And just when things were looking goooooooorgeous, I took another giant tumble down a deep canyon of despair and if every time I make a little forward movement, I just take 80 giant steps back, what is the POINT? Oh my gosh. You always act like you’re gonna do this stuff and then you don’t – whether it’s because you have super hard obstacles, or because you sabotage yourself, or because you’re not capable, or something else, who knows? But the point is, you’ve never worn a bikini (like you said you would when you ‘just lost 10 more pounds’ – that you never did, btw ’cause instead 2016 happened and you ballooned up like Macy’s was inflating you). You never learned to swim, did an ironman, won any member of the EGOTs, [and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on we could list things I haven’t done]. So, you know, who cares? Maybe you’re not the special snowflake you imagined and you should just hang up your running shoes, your adorable small dresses, and everything you thought you loved because yeeeears of life slip by you, so what is the point? Are you even gonna run another marathon again? Who cares? What is your obsession with marathons anyway, Aurora? Is that a dumb hobby? What are you even doing? What are you even doooooing with your life?”
And I’m probably gonna keep oscillating between those for a while. I dunno.
But what I do know – as I have known for many years (and especially I feel like I keep learning over and over this year – is that there is something nice to be said for “a new beginning.” You take where you are and move forward instead of being so upset that you’re “supposed to be up there.”
So, I dunno. It was pretty good advice (that wasn’t even like this whole deep thing – it was just a quick thing said to me before class, but still, it was good).
[If you’re curious, class was fine. Nothing to write home about… It was frustrating that after class I didn’t then run over to the close ballet studio or Pop Physique for another class (which is what I used to do after Bar Method… and yes, I know I just wrote this whole post on how the advice to have a new beginning is good, but thinking about what “used” to be doesn’t seem totally like a new beginning, now does it? Well, I don’t care. It was still frustrating. BUT. Class was good. And I hope to be able to incorporate it more (and then go back to multiples in a day at different close studios). So, I dunno. We’ll see!